Erma Bombeck
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
George Burns
Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering.
Marilyn vos Savant
He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
Phyllis Diller
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
Emo Philips
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen
I am the literary equivalent of a Big Mac and Fries.
Stephen King
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
Steven Wright
I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.
Warren Buffett
I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.
David Letterman
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
W. C. Fields
I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty.
Imelda Marcos
I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
Joe E. Lewis
I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.
Paula Poundstone
I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.
Fred Allen
I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.
Stephen Fry
I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead.
Samuel Goldwyn
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
Mitch Hedberg
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
Woody Allen
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
Frank Sinatra
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield
I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.
Arnold Schwarzenegger
I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.
Charles M. Schulz
I have never been hurt by what I have not said.
Calvin Coolidge
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
Elayne Boosler
I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.
Robert Benchley
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
Rodney Dangerfield
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Steven Wright
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Joan Rivers
I like children - fried.
W. C. Fields
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
Fred Allen
I like marriage. The idea.
Toni Morrison
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
Rodney Dangerfield
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
Walt Disney
I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money.
Bob Hope
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
W. C. Fields
I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do.
Will Rogers
I never said most of the things I said.
Yogi Berra
